According to a research from the Pew Research Center, 58 percent of both divorced men and women go on to marry again. That’s great news, but you shouldn’t rush back down the aisle again. Take the time to get to know her or him and try not to make the same mistakes that destroyed your last marriage.
If nothing seems to work for you, you should seek professional help. Couples counselors, divorce mediators, and family therapists could help you process your feelings and emotions after a divorce in order to start a new chapter in your life.
Read on to discover the surefire signs you should hold off on getting remarried.
1. You have low self-esteem
Dealing with a breakup or a divorce can be quite devastating for some people, especially when you don’t want it. Sometimes a divorce can have serious consequences on your self-image. So, in case you haven’t rebuilt your self-esteem after a breakup or divorce, it is not a great idea to start a new relationship or get remarried.
“Only after a person has reestablished a healthy self-concept should they consider remarrying,” says couples counselor and marriage therapist Randy Schroeder, PhD, author of Simple Habits for Marital Happiness. Try not to make the same mistakes twice, because your post-divorce romance could end up pretty bad if you don’t give yourself time to heal.
2. You still want your ex
Maybe you think that the divorce was a mistake, or maybe you think that things will get back to normal after a period of time…well, there’s no such thing. When you decide to divorce, something is probably not okay in your relationship.
If you imagine yourself with your ex, maybe you shouldn’t think about having a new relationship. “It is important to not just get over a breakup,” says Schroeder. “What is essential is being reconciled to the fact that that relationship ended and the book is closed and cannot be opened again.”
3. You blame your ex for everything
After a breakup or divorce most of us tend to blame their exes for the end of the the marriage. It is normal to exaggerate when you’re the main character of the story, however, this should last a couple of weeks after the actual divorce. If you refuse to take any responsibility, you should seek therapy, because you’re most definitely not prepared to remarry.
“We often want to blame the other person, but if we don’t see how we contributed to the problem, we will not learn from our experience, and we will likely bring those problematic interpersonal skills into the next relationship,” says Erik Wheeler, a divorce and post-divorce mediator at Accord Mediation.
4. Or you haven’t fully processed your emotions about your divorce
When you are still looking for closure from your last relationship, you’re definitely not ready to marry again. “You need to take time after the divorce to process the feelings you have—you may have anger, guilt, or regret,” explains Wheeler. “To do this well, and learn from it, you will need to take time to reflect and learn everything you can from the failure of the relationship.”
Wheeler actually suggests to go to therapy in order to help you process your feelings and emotions about your divorce. Talking to a specialist will also help you prevent some not-so-healthy patterns that destroyed your marriage, so don’t hesitate to seek professional help.
5. You hate your ex
It’s quite simple: if you hate your ex, you haven’t moved on, and…if you’re still stuck in the past, there’s no point in getting married again. So, you hate your ex, don’t use the same words (“I do”). If you can’t cope with these feelings that can sabotage your future relationships, you should ask for some help.
“You will carry those feelings forward and may even transfer some of them [onto your new partner] if you recognize any similar traits in them,” explains Atlanta divorce lawyer Randall M. Kessler, Esq., author of Divorce: Protect Yourself, Your Kids and Your Future.
6. Your life is still very much linked to your ex’s
If you decide to get remarried, you should definitely wait until your whole life is less intertwined with your ex’s. Whether you’re still trying to sell your home, discussing about custody, or still sharing the Netflix account, you’re better off cutting the cord completely before you make the wedding invitations.
When your ex is still a part of your life, they “have a lot of power over your new marriage,” explains Elinor Robin, PhD, a Florida Supreme Court-certified mediator and mediation trainer and founder of A Friendly Divorce. “Until you are able to move away from the ex drama and focus totally on the new relationship, it’s too soon to remarry.”
7. You haven’t discussed the ugly aspects of your ex-relationship with your current partner
While taking advantage of every single thing to talk about your ex-spouse certainly doesn’t seem good for a new relationship, it’s essential that you discuss the ugly aspects of your former marriage, so you can learn from those faults as a united couple.
“About six to nine months into the relationship, exploring the bad and ugly of your former relationship is important to help you avoid repeating mistakes or negative patterns in this new relationship,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Jennie Marie Battistin, founder of Hope Therapy Center Inc. She strongly advise you to include the part you played in the end of your last marriage, because it is an important aspect if you want to make your next one last.